i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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