My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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