Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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