my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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