Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
