ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
