Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
