I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
