I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
