OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
