I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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