i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
