when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
try to milk me bitch
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
