you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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