I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
