when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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