my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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