Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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