I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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