I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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