I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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