if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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