i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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