I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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