I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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