Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
