OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
