she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
