love makes seman taste better
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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