at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
