I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
