I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
