Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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