I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
