Do you still have your period?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
