Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
