Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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