Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
