I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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