these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
