I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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