took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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