i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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