Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
