This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
