I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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