Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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