it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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