Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
