I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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