I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
