Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dick very happy bro
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
