I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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