john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
